The Aztec in the Attic

There’s an Aztec in our attic. He’s been there for a couple of months now. He’s called Gunther. I know! Weird name for an Aztec, right? I thought that too but it turns out his Mom was German, so…
He’s got a brother called Otto but they lost touch. The last Gunther heard, Otto was living in a town called Bolsover, in Derbyshire, England.
Me and my Mom and Pop moved to the UK five years ago. We’re from Dewey Beach, Delaware. That’s in the US. The first state! Dad worked as a pharmaceuticals salesman for a big shot drugs corporation. Pop’s an okay guy I guess. He is quite tall and wears jeans a lot. I don’t know too much about him.
But, like, woah. This really crazy stuff happened before we all came to England. It all started because my sister, Kaylie, who is 6 years older than me and a total whore, was sucking off one of Dad’s work buddies (Jeff) in exchange for drugs and stuff. Nobody knew for like, ages until it all turned out pretty bad.
She was there getting stoned the whole time, ducking school and stuff, when dickwad Jeff decided to make her do porno films. I don’t know, he was supplying the drugs so I guess she would have done anything. All of this went on for about a year. The douche-bag even bought her a nose job and a fake boobs but Mom and Pop were still totally unaware. Maybe they thought she was a late developer. They’re kinda like that. Real dumb. It’s the same with Gunther, the Aztec. It’s like they haven’t even noticed he’s there?
Okay so my sister, the good gal from Delaware, does this really freaky anal porn which culminates in her ass prolapsing repeatedly during a take. It becomes the biggest hit on YouTube since the guy who sticks the pickle jar up his butt. My sister, in a giggly Roxicodone haze, mumbling ‘my ass, oops, my ass just fell out’ over and over whilst trying to poke it back in with her fake nails. Tee fuckin’ hee sis.
Ironically, a few months later, Dad was giving an informal demonstration on a piece of hardware which is a sort of fake ass, made for people who’s butts have collapsed. He was trying to get the consultants to buy them for their hospital. The doctors all started laughing and talking about the ‘oops my ass just fell out again’ girl from YouTube. Dad didn’t know what they meant until after the presentation when they showed him the clip of my sister. Pretty bad huh?
So, we moved to England. Out of pure shame. My parents just couldn’t take it. Turns out everyone in the neighborhood knew about it. Pretty much everyone in Delaware knew about it. Except for Mom, Pop and me. So now we live in an English house in a place called Milton Keynes. It’s long way from Delaware. Mom has an old Aunt who lives in this really English place called Husbands-Bosworth which is not too far from here. Occasionally we go visit her and drink cups of tea with REAL TEA LEAVES. Gross.
It was pretty shitty until Gunther moved in. But now it’s quite good. I go to a high-school called Kings Heath which is okay I guess. I like History and Home-Economics and German is OKAY but only because Gunther is such a dude and helps me out with it.
He is totally cool. On Saturdays he comes out of the house and helps me do my paper round. Most days though, he just stays right up there in that ol’ attic, playing online games and watching videos. He’s got a Toshiba. I give him shit about it all the time and say, ‘hey Gunther, you should get a Vaio man, they’re way better than that hunk of junk’ but he doesn’t. I guess he must be pretty broke because he ain’t got a job or a rich family. Unless Otto is loaded and sends him money? I doubt it. But I’ll ask him.
It’s a good life that me and Gunther share you know? He tells me about his Mom and how she came to be living in Mexico in 1535 and I tell him about my cousin Lionel who sometimes tips his head back, spits out boogers then catches them in his mouth. If we’re in the mood, we’ll watch ‘oops my ass just fell out again’. No matter how many times we watch that darn video, Gunther just doesn’t get it.