Rasta Pasta

Hair in dreads like thick black pasta
Can I play a tape on your ghettoblaster?
You haven’t got one -
It doesn’t matter
You’ve got a milky voice O Mr Rasta.

Mocha Parade

Thought it was all getting a bit too 'wordy' so here's a pretty picture what you can look at with your pretty eyeses.

Mocha Parade is where I do my weekly shop. The fruit and veg merchant is second to none and the Offy takes milk tokens. I take tea with two tokens and a gregarious amount of enthusiasm.

In other news, I'm in love with a Strangeways shirt I bought off an ex-inmate a week before Christmas. 'Tis a mere 50% cotton but it's really comfortable. Unlike, I dare say, prison.

The Aztec in the Attic

There’s an Aztec in our attic. He’s been there for a couple of months now. He’s called Gunther. I know! Weird name for an Aztec, right? I thought that too but it turns out his Mom was German, so…
He’s got a brother called Otto but they lost touch. The last Gunther heard, Otto was living in a town called Bolsover, in Derbyshire, England.
Me and my Mom and Pop moved to the UK five years ago. We’re from Dewey Beach, Delaware. That’s in the US. The first state! Dad worked as a pharmaceuticals salesman for a big shot drugs corporation. Pop’s an okay guy I guess. He is quite tall and wears jeans a lot. I don’t know too much about him.
But, like, woah. This really crazy stuff happened before we all came to England. It all started because my sister, Kaylie, who is 6 years older than me and a total whore, was sucking off one of Dad’s work buddies (Jeff) in exchange for drugs and stuff. Nobody knew for like, ages until it all turned out pretty bad.
She was there getting stoned the whole time, ducking school and stuff, when dickwad Jeff decided to make her do porno films. I don’t know, he was supplying the drugs so I guess she would have done anything. All of this went on for about a year. The douche-bag even bought her a nose job and a fake boobs but Mom and Pop were still totally unaware. Maybe they thought she was a late developer. They’re kinda like that. Real dumb. It’s the same with Gunther, the Aztec. It’s like they haven’t even noticed he’s there?
Okay so my sister, the good gal from Delaware, does this really freaky anal porn which culminates in her ass prolapsing repeatedly during a take. It becomes the biggest hit on YouTube since the guy who sticks the pickle jar up his butt. My sister, in a giggly Roxicodone haze, mumbling ‘my ass, oops, my ass just fell out’ over and over whilst trying to poke it back in with her fake nails. Tee fuckin’ hee sis.
Ironically, a few months later, Dad was giving an informal demonstration on a piece of hardware which is a sort of fake ass, made for people who’s butts have collapsed. He was trying to get the consultants to buy them for their hospital. The doctors all started laughing and talking about the ‘oops my ass just fell out again’ girl from YouTube. Dad didn’t know what they meant until after the presentation when they showed him the clip of my sister. Pretty bad huh?
So, we moved to England. Out of pure shame. My parents just couldn’t take it. Turns out everyone in the neighborhood knew about it. Pretty much everyone in Delaware knew about it. Except for Mom, Pop and me. So now we live in an English house in a place called Milton Keynes. It’s long way from Delaware. Mom has an old Aunt who lives in this really English place called Husbands-Bosworth which is not too far from here. Occasionally we go visit her and drink cups of tea with REAL TEA LEAVES. Gross.
It was pretty shitty until Gunther moved in. But now it’s quite good. I go to a high-school called Kings Heath which is okay I guess. I like History and Home-Economics and German is OKAY but only because Gunther is such a dude and helps me out with it.
He is totally cool. On Saturdays he comes out of the house and helps me do my paper round. Most days though, he just stays right up there in that ol’ attic, playing online games and watching videos. He’s got a Toshiba. I give him shit about it all the time and say, ‘hey Gunther, you should get a Vaio man, they’re way better than that hunk of junk’ but he doesn’t. I guess he must be pretty broke because he ain’t got a job or a rich family. Unless Otto is loaded and sends him money? I doubt it. But I’ll ask him.
It’s a good life that me and Gunther share you know? He tells me about his Mom and how she came to be living in Mexico in 1535 and I tell him about my cousin Lionel who sometimes tips his head back, spits out boogers then catches them in his mouth. If we’re in the mood, we’ll watch ‘oops my ass just fell out again’. No matter how many times we watch that darn video, Gunther just doesn’t get it.

Wok Bottom

I like to go to Plopshop and rub shiny fabric onto my naked, inefficient thighs.

I wish I was Mate Koss or Slate Frost or Aqua Fresh.

My eyes, my bloody eyes.

Gok Can Tae Kwon Do Dot Com Phone Home.

I know a girl who seldom smiles.

Is it because;

a) her smile was stolen by a badly dubbed Hungarian millionaire?

b) her bum is shaped like a wok?

Answers on a postcard please.

Closing date for entries - 15/01/10

My Dad, Kenny

My Dad is a mechanic and his name is Kenny. We live in Rochdale. Everyone always goes ‘alright Kenny’. No one says alright to me even when I’m with Dad. He says it’s because I have funny eyes. What’s funny about them Dad? They’re a bit bozzy he says.

I’ve got four brothers and one sister called MELISSA. She’s the spit of my Dad Kenny except she has long hair and wears it in a French plait.

All my brothers are dicks. They all have fat heads and loads of spots. They’re always cupping rank farts and then shoving the farts in my face for jokes. Our Carl made me strip off in the snow last night for a joke. I had to stand in the back yard for ages with nothing on except my Winnie the Pooh slippers. They got dead wet because of the melty snow what stuck to them like cold brains. All Carl’s knob-head mates were there. They were all laughing loads and kept grabbing my tits.

Everyone who comes round to ours is always staring at my tits because they’re quite massive. But nobody will look at my face because of the bozzy eyes.

Sometimes I like to just get away from it all for a bit so I tell Dad that I’m going to my room do not disturb. I just lie on my bed and listen to tapes and/or do some colouring. I like colouring. It’s very therapeutic.

MELISSA is allowed to come in whenever she wants because it is also her room. She sometimes brings me a Slim-a-Soup (Minestrone) and a packet of cheese and onion McCoys and/or a Topic. I’m the only person I know who likes Topics.

Next week I’ll be 26. Can’t wait. Dad says he might try and find out if there’s a place in town where they fix eyes.

Mmmmmmmm

1 bowl of porridge

2 cups of coffee (instant)

2 cups of tea

Marmite sandwich

5 Digestive biscuits (McVities)

Feeling pretty bad about those pesky Digestives. The name alludes to possible health benefits though so I'm not going to be plagued by guilt. Plus, I went to the gym this morning. None of the grunting predators were there today. These are the men who lift hilariously heavy weights, causing them to growl and roar as if having sex with a bear, or a boar or even a door. Knob.